Last year, I was doing an exhibition on the Fantastic Voyage Tour in Phoenix, and suddenly a sniper tried to take off my head with about five large stones from the nearby shoreline. I refer to this incident as the only occasion when I wanted to see the marine police. I have some experience with Johnny Law, and have put together some guidelines for how to deal with different scenarios. The key to getting out of an altercation with Five-0 is being able to read different cops and know how to deal with them.
Cobe Mikacich: “Commander Old School Mikker”
Profile:** Marine Patrol officer of the year for 31 consecutive years.
This guy’s been there, done that, heard it a million times, and knows he could take you down for at least three things right now. He’ll be the first to tell you how bad he can really make your life. The fewer actions you make, and the slower you respond to his questions, the better. He knows where the beers are stashed, that your jacket isn’t Coast Guard approved, and that your apparatus isn’t a blown-glass snorkel.
Escape Tactics: Try to get a friendly little conversation going, like “Check out this 350 Chevy Vortec powerhouse. It pushes 330 horsepower stock, but with that four blade 14/16-pitch prop it’ll jump right out tha hole!” He’ll be putty in your hands.
Sonja Scheffler: “Sergeant Sexy Scheff”
**Profile: No. 1 record holder for making the most arrests for 311 (public nudity).
She’s had a career full of sexist comments, slurs and obscene gestures. Hates boob jobs, G-strings, bodybuilders, and is ready to strike back at anything male. Be careful if she gets close to you with that provocative tone and body language. Her sense of smell for beer breath is like her superpower — it’s a setup!
Escape tactics: All women (even superbitch here) have a soft spot for romance and sweetness. If you have a girl on the boat, pull the “Oh, nothing, we’re just having a romantic day. It’s our anniversary.” But if it’s a normal sausage day of bro-down you’re probably doomed. Tell her you have a weapon so she’ll frisk you before she takes you down. That’s what you want anyway.
Erik Ruck: “Deputy Mandle P. Ruck”
Profile: Still in training after five years.
You’ll never see this deputy by himself. He’s too much of a liability to the force and lacks authority, though he’d like you to think he’s the man. He played in the high school band, usually got beat up in gym, and played third-string flanker in freshman football. You’re fairly safe with this guy. They won’t let him carry a weapon, and if he writes you a ticket, he’ll probably mess it up and it won’t hold up in court anyway.
Escape tactics: Have a girl flirt with him a little, or invite him out to ride with you and the boys sometime. His real position is with the Department of Game and Wildlife, and he has a real passion for fish. Don’t claim any fish under the legal limit or it’s in the klink for you.
Tino Santori: “Lieutenant Magnum Santori P.I.”
Profile:** He’s so hot right now!
You’ll find this officer stationed in a party cove or flying up and down the lake at Mach 3. He’s a bit jumpy with the trigger, and his 18-foot boat, which he calls “Ace In Tha Hole,” is fully equipped with twin 225 Evinrudes on the back (your chances of outrunning him are slim to none). Don’t sweat it, though. Chances are he’ll just confiscate your beverages, then tell you, “Man, I seen you boys out there cuttin’ flips. Whatchou call that trick, a Superman? I rode behind a boat just like this a while back. I swear I did the biggest & it musta been a 15-foot-high Superman! Sometimes I sure could use one of them roll cages on “Tha Ace” -- she’ll get loose, you know what I mean?”
Escape Tactics: Preventive maintenance is best. Whenever you’re riding and see him, do a raley. When you’re in the party cove, keep a couple Silver Bullets in reserve.
Sean Kilgus: “Officer Meat Kilgus, BFY”
Profile:** Temporarily reassigned to dispatch and park safety.
Officer Kilgus is your typical hotheaded meathead cop — slightly on the beefy side. Officer Meat is most likely to try to enforce the law from a bridge overpass while waiting in his vehicle or on his bike at the launch. He loves confrontation and will never be wrong or beaten. He’s quick to pull out the billy club and try to stick you with some ridiculous charge that doesn’t exist.
Escape tactics: Just ignore him and take off. But be careful, you may outrun him but not his radio!